Learning about and observing the natural world, especially plants, brings me joy. When I'm on a walk, my eyes are drawn to the living things around me, checking the files in my mind for information and logging questions about things I don’t recognize in the “research later” file (or the notes app). This curiosity and enjoyment has followed me all my life.
I love flowers most of all. Harvesting and beholding beauty in the form of soft petals, bright colors, textured pollen, and radial symmetry is my idea of a good time! Even more so, I love giving the beauty away for other people to enjoy. My joy is multiplied by theirs every-time.
What may surprise you to know, is the actual act of gardening? Meh.
Of course, I relish in the satisfaction of seeing the physical progress from a hard day’s work, but I also just feel tired. When I worked full time in horticulture, I would fall onto the couch at 3:00pm and not move for hours. There were some days that I would have screamed at the prospect of pulling another weed or spreading another pile of mulch. Even now in my home garden, I give it just enough attention for it to survive. I usually have good intentions at first, but my motivation quickly wanes.
I’m truly just an OK gardener.
I have decent success with a lot of my plants, but if one is struggling, after a little troubleshooting and maybe a couple attempts at treatment, I’m probably going to throw it away. It’s so much easier to toss it than it is to wrestle with trying to get it healthy again.
I can see the potential in some areas of a garden, especially in the designing phase, but in others I can quickly find flaws and consider it a lost cause.
While in my garden, snipping two fully opened dahlia flowers and willing the others to hurry up, my mind wandered to a couple situations this week that humbled me. If I’m an OK gardener of plants, I thought, then I’m an abysmal gardener of hearts.
***
One of our children said something to their sibling completely contrary to our family and Christian values that warranted some pretty swift consequences. Michael and I chatted about what to do to underscore the severity of the situation to the child, and about how to draw out his heart to feel conviction over his sin. As we were talking with this child, it was immediately apparent to us that he wasn’t feeling Godly repentance. When we realized it, we told him so. We said, “I can see that you don’t actually feel bad about this, but we will be praying that God would help you understand and see the error in your speech, and in your defensiveness and reasoning.” It was only by God’s grace that we were able to end that conversation without me yelling. I wanted SO badly to see the repentance in his eyes, to feel it in his voice. The temptation for me was to make him feel that way myself, but the Holy Spirit reminded me that I couldn’t. If I’m not careful, I can fall into believing the lie that if I just fertilize them with more devotions, aerate the soil of their heart with deep questions to draw out their motivations, plant seed after seed of scripture and truth, and water it with love, that I can guarantee immediate growth. Doing those things is good, and is part of my calling as their mother, but the actual act of changing hearts and growing faith? I’m not the Gardener for that job.
Unlike me, as a Gardener of hearts, God knows the exact timing of when to sow and when to reap. He knows what storms will be coming in the next season, and how to prepare a heart to face them. He knows when to reveal sin and disease lurking in someone's heart, and he knows how to draw it out, or perform surgery on it. By his grace, he expertly heals the issues by exposing them to light and truth. He is never too slow in his cultivation of heart growth, nor too fast. He is altogether steady. Perfectly paced.
***
I was texting a friend about how I planned to confront someone, and after waiting a while to reply, she pushed back on what I said.
I was immediately convicted that what I had planned to say in my confrontation was motivated out of hurt and not out of love, and that the words I had prepared were not going to move the heart of the person I wanted to confront toward realization of the wrong I perceived. My plan was faulty. Instead of tilling the soil of a person’s heart and softening it, I probably was about to compact it. I was embarrassed for myself, but proud of my friend for bravely telling me the truth.
I repented and thanked her for pushing back, while also gently pushing back on something else she said. It was apparent that God had been working on both of our hearts already before this text exchange ever happened. We admitted that we both have a lot of room to grow in this and other areas, to which I was lead to encourage her,
“There is wide, expansive, never-ending room for each of us to grow…FIELDS of potential.
An excellent Gardener is already at work cultivating.”
Praise be to God, the very Best Gardener–of land, and of hearts.
Soli Deo gloria,
Sara
Garden update:
So, did I end up having flowers to share!? So many, and continually more! My plans of setting up a free flower stand haven’t happened yet because I keep picking large bouquets to give away leaving no flowers left to pick, but in the next couple weeks I may put out a small table, or piece of plywood on sawhorses, with tiny paper cups and tiny bouquets to give away. You’ll have to wait and see if it actually happens when I write my fall newsletter. (The suspense will kill you, I know!)
I am so glad I sowed some Mammoth Sunflowers later in June because they have been fun to see blooming after the smaller sunflowers were done…but only a handful actually made it. These are for outdoor enjoyment (mostly). They are too large to include in a mixed floral bouquet.
My dahlias are successful, but the bugs love them SO much! I gave up on fighting them, so most of my flowers have chewed petals and holes and some discoloration. Not much different than everything else living life in a fallen world, though…I relate hard to my dahlia flowers, lol. If I was selling them, I would look into keeping up on natural pest deterrents, but I’m content to give them away! Stay tuned for the fall newsletter where I will undoubtedly recount how I tried to dig up the tubers and store them. I’m so curious about how many tubers have multiplied under the soil!
My cosmos are prolific! I do like them, but I’m planning to halve the amount I sow and put in some sort of different filler flower next year.
I have just the right amount and variety of zinnias, i’m so pleased by their success! Red is my least favorite color, so of course I’ve gotten a ton of red flowers. Next year I plan to sow a couple packets of single color varieties. If anyone has a variety of zinnias they have absolutely adored this year, let me know in the comments!
What I read:
Letters From The Mountain, by Ben Palpant
This is from Rabbit Room Press, need I say more? It’s a series of letters from father to daughter about the writing and creative life. It’s a beautiful encouragement for a creative who wants to honor the Lord and bring him glory through their creative efforts. I teared up on many occasions, receiving his encouragement like I was his own daughter. I listened to it on audio, and it’s Ben reading it, which was special. It was so special that I re-listened to a few chapters, and am considering purchasing a hard copy to keep!
“A river flows through the center of your heart’s castle and out into the city of man. Set your little bread—be it a word or an idea—upon the water and let it follow the current. Someone downstream will pick it up and take it home and be fed by it.”
Jayber Crow, by Wendell Berry
This was my second Wendell Berry novel about a character in the town of Port William. It centered on Jayber Crow, the town barber, and how he committed himself to the town and it’s people as a single man all his life. It was a beautiful look at the arc of a life and the subtle spiritual realizations he made throughout it. I also laughed a lot more than I was expecting to! It’s about a quiet and ordinary life…there are no wild twists and turns, but the gorgeous lyrical prose draws you in.
“Some nights in the midst of this loneliness I swung among the scattered stars at the end of the thin thread of faith alone.”
Talking to his professor of New Testament Greek:
"You have been given questions to which you cannot be given answers. You will have to live them out―perhaps a little at a time."
"And how long is that going to take?"
"I don't know. As long as you live, perhaps."
"That could be a long time."
"I will tell you a further mystery," he said. "It may take longer."
Adorning the Dark, by Andrew Peterson
I really enjoyed, especially the first half, of this almost-memoir of how Andrew has lived his life at the service of God with his creativity. It was his encouragement through personal narrative that I loved the most. His honesty was striking, and his prose was beautiful. The second half I got a little bored (possibly from repetition?), and it was heavy on songwriting advice, which I don’t have a personal investment in, but I enjoyed this book nonetheless! Writing is worship, and writing is hard, he reminds us. But it's worth it. This is how we can, as the title suggests, adorn the dark <3
“I’m no longer surprised by my capacity for self-doubt, but I've learned that the only way to victory is to lose myself, to surrender to sacredness–which is safer than insecurity. I have to accept the fact that I’m beloved by God. That’s it. Compared to that, the songs (writing) don’t matter so much–a realization which has the surprising consequence of making them easier to write.”
“I was born homesick. Maybe we all were.”
“Love the Lord your God, and love your neighbor, too, by making worlds and works of beauty that blanket the earth like flowers. Let your homesickness keep you always from spiritual slumber.”
Wingfeather Saga, Book 4, The Warden and the Wolf King, by Andrew Peterson
We finished the Wingfeather Saga this summer on the couch right before I had to leave to go somewhere, and that was the biggest mistake. My face was swollen from tears. I could barely finish reading it out loud. I’m not going to give a detailed review, because, no spoilers! Like any series ending, he packed a lot of things into the end that probably needed to be fleshed out better, but we won’t fault him for that. It ended with a gospel message tucked right into the story, and it pierced all our hearts.
Read this series with your children. Cherish it together. I promise you, you won’t regret it.
What I Listened to:
-Podcast:
Gospel in Life Podcast, the Fruit of the Spirit sermon series, by Timothy Keller
Listen through the whole series, it will convict and encourage you!
-Song:
White Flag, by my church, Harvest SL GH “I tried and I tried, watched as my best efforts died, I’m not the savior I needed, i’m waving my white flag.” I dare you to listen to it twice and not get it stuck in your head in the best of ways!
-Artist/Album:
We discovered Forrest Frank and now my kids want to listen to it all the time. I actually really like his music now too! The Child of God album is his most recent and our most played. Is it beat-driven pop? is it R&B? I don’t know, but he brings the vibes! Good Day, Hallelujah, Never Get Used To This.
What I bought and love:
-These cropped Old Navy Tank tops
-This Old Navy flowy black skirt (that is only available in blue now)
-These Teva hiking shoes
-This Owala water bottle…I know the cool kids are doing it, but I didn’t do it to be cool. I just really liked the hot pink with the green and I haven’t bought a good water bottle in a decade. I love it!
Adventures:
We ended our summer with two big highlights:
A lemonade stand and a camping trip to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
With double digits for my youngest on the horizon and middle school starting in a literal minute, I knew it was past time to say yes to the boys’ desire to have a lemonade stand. They spent weeks constructing and painting the stand with their father, and returned cans to earn money for supplies. I taught them how to squeeze and strain fresh lemons and how to make simple syrup on the stove. We set aside an entire hot, sunny Saturday to devote to the endeavor, and we learned about endurance and honoring business hours. The highlights were Lewis asking every customer if they “wanted a tiny parasol” in their drink, the gaggle of college girls squealing with delight over the “cutest lemonade stand they have ever seen”, the shock on my boys faces when three cars screeched to a halt and asked for lemonade at the same time, the man who stopped 10 miles into his 20 mile run to chug two cups thanks to Venmo, and finally, the friends and family that made the boys feel special, seen, and loved by making the trek out to our house!
As for camping in the UP of Michigan? We are the most out-doorsy yet not-campy family you have ever known, and it showed! We dodged rain the best we could while out on our adventures, but couldn’t escape it back at our campsite while cooking and sleeping. Our lack of an established system made it stressful and difficult, but we learned a lot in the process! The views at Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore were stunning, 10/10 recommend the boat tour to see the coast line. Tahquamenon was a two hour drive from where we stayed, and our only regret (besides forgetting bathing suits!) was not being able to stay longer. The boys loved swimming and wading in the lower falls, and already asked to go back again (maybe just a boys trip this time? That sounds like a GREAT idea!). The largest freshwater spring in Michigan, Kitch Iti Kipi, was wildly busy on the Saturday afternoon we stopped by, so the boys just got a quick glance (Michael and I have ridden on the raft there before), but it was enough to WOW them! As parents, the stress of camping in the rain tainted the trip, but it didn’t for the kids. When asked if they wanted to come back again with just their father, Lewis, my little mirror, replied, “I mean, we LOVE you mom, and like having you, but you did complain about the weather a lot.”
The fear of missing out may bring me back with them, but I’m also delighting more and more in their special adventures with their father as they get older. As a mom of boys quickly entering adolescence, I am starting to see how good and right it is for them to gain confidence, independence, and a proclivity toward time with their father. It’s beginning to bring me great joy to send them off. That's a topic for another day, and another essay. I need to live more of it first. I need to mourn more of it first. I need to sit a little while longer with the beautiful and piercing pain of stewarding children to let them go. For now I’m going to sit with my hands open, expectant that my Heavenly Father, who loves my boys more perfectly than I do, will help me be the mother I’m called to be in each season.
What I wrote? Only a poem while we were camping…hopefully this fall brings greater discipline in my writing life. I originally posted it on instagram, but I’m including it below:
I (want to) drink this sunset Draw out a ladle of color Pour it down my throat feel it burn I (want to) tell them to Stop taunting the waves of Mighty Lake Superior To plant their legs that run toward danger Firmly in the sand I (want to) watch them grow up With none of the searing pain That comes with being cut away from one another First the cord Then the breast Then the hand The space between us on the beach lengthens They cannot hear my voice I (want to) tell them to come back while I can
Tell me about your summer in the comments! Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate each of you <3
Your flowers are all so stunning! I paid more for some pricier zinnia seeds this summer. And I honestly think I like the bulk bag of seeds I buy from the hardware store best. 😆
First of all, I literally cannot believe any mere mortal is capable of growing such lovely flowers like the ones in your garden. If I stepped out of my house and saw that growing, I'd probably never leave my house again. It's like a fairy tale. Secondly, we finished book 2 of Wingfeather, took a break for Wild Robot, and are about to return. But after your comments above, I am scared. Lastly, this sentence: "As we were talking with this child, it was immediately apparent to us that he wasn’t feeling Godly repentance." We are dealing with this exact situation with one of our kids and it's such a challenge! I mean, wow. Talk about learning patience. Loved this update! Cheers to the summer, and hello to the fall.