Breaking The Ice

getting over my fear of starting to write on Substack more frequently by coming to your inbox with a few small stories, a half baked goal for 2024, and some ramblings about writing

On an average Tuesday night, under the light of the single candle that graces our dinner table most nights in the winter, I lift my spoon of soup to my mouth as my nine year old begins to ask a question as calmly and diplomatically as a teenager trying to get what they want. “You know how when me and my brother argue and disobey or don’t treat each other well and you and dad give us a consequence or a discipline?” 

“Yes…” I hesitantly say, terrified of what my deep thinking 9 year old will say next.

“Well, what happens when you and dad argue or disobey, or don’t treat each other good. Who gives you a consequence?”

I lay my spoon gently back into my bowl of soup and look up to lock eyes with my husband across from me at the table, his spoon freezing mid-way to his mouth. We linger in quiet eye contact for a moment, knowing our child is referencing the argument he overheard us having that morning. I break eye contact and begin, “Well, Lewis, God is our authority, and often the consequences of sin when you’re an adult are natural ones like a break in peace in your relationship, and the Holy Spirit not letting you feel rest until you humble yourself and ask for forgiveness and reconcile…”

This is the same child who just a few days earlier, when his brother was gone at a friend’s house, took advantage of our full attention at dinner to ask a series of questions about what he read in his Action Bible, beginning a sentence with, “So about the four horsemen in Revelation…”

Lewis Rex is a heavy hitter in the thoughts and questions department.

***

Pascal came home from school, dropped his backpack in the breezeway, washed his hands per my constant plea when they get home from anywhere, and grabbed a snack from the cupboard. He plopped himself on the couch in the living room and opened Harry Potter book 7 as I began to wash dishes in the kitchen. I was about to pop my ear buds in to listen to an audiobook near expiration from the library when I heard him yell from the other room. “This one girl in my class complimented this boy's cursive and said it was better than the other boys. I think I KNOW why she said that mom, I know why she said that. Huh, huh, you know what I mean!?”

“She could just genuinely like the look of that kid’s cursive better...that’s really what it could be!” I yell back.

“No mom!” he returns the yell, “It’s definitely because she likes him. I know it.”

The silence returned— the only sound remaining, the occasional turning of pages.

I popped my ear buds in and pushed play on my phone. I heard none of the book though, I was too busy trying to make sense of what is happening inside my eleven year old’s brain. 

***

2024 is here! 

The two small stories above occurred in the midst of my yearly weeks of introspection about what happened during the past year and my hopes for the coming year.

They are tiny vignettes of what is happening constantly in my home: two adolescent boys shocking me with what goes on in their mind. 

When I sat down to talk to God about what my focus for the year should be, the answer was already obvious: discipling my children.

I have a 9 & 11 year old. We are solidly in the upper elementary years, and headed full speed toward middle school. It is becoming painfully evident that I cannot slow time. It is becoming tragically obvious that the “someday’s” I used to wonder about are the “nows” I’m living in. 

Don’t count the summers left that you have with your kids. Or, do—it depends on how sad you want to be…(sometimes a good cry is cathartic, yes??). We have seven or eight left with my oldest Pascal, and this year my husband Michael and I sat down and began dreaming about what we wanted those last seven summers to look like. 

More than trips and big memories though, my heart is set on two main things with my children in this stage:

-Discipling them in the way of Jesus. Getting doctrine, theology, scripture, and truth in their hearts, with reminders of what their identity always is in Jesus (Precious, Honored and Loved) often on my tongue.

-Being present with them in small amounts every day, and aiming for larger amounts sometime during the week. To see them, hear them, give them my full attention and get to know them as they continue to change and grow.

We want measurable goals though, don’t we? I’m hoping to write out some specific actions that will set me up to take advantage of the time I have with my children this year and hope to share them with you soon! 

***

I’m exactly one year into calling myself a writer and intentionally putting my words into the world. Well, I haven’t been calling myself a writer publicly for a year, but when I signed up for Exhale Creativity in January of 2024 I was deciding in my heart that that was what I was going to do. 

A lot of my previous posts on Substack have been products of “assignments” from my writing group, or were inspired by a writing class I took, or, like my last one on Advent, sparked because of questions people asked me. 

For some reason though, posting for the first time this year has felt *slightly* terrifying to me. After sitting for a while at a blank screen and talking to God about what this year of writing should look like, I think I know why.

I’m very good at submitting “assignments”. I’m a student at heart, I have always loved learning and performing well. My posture this past year has been that of “I’m a writing student, don’t expect much from me”. Recently, though, I have felt a shift. It’s not that I’m not a student anymore, it’s just that I know I’m being called to go out on my own and write what God puts on my heart, not only what I’m writing and editing heavily for an assignment. This is scary for a many reasons:

1. I don’t want to write badly

2. I don’t want to annoy my subscribers by posting things that are irrelevant or by spamming their inbox too often

3. It’s a time commitment with no immediate reward (no one is telling me I have to)

4. Newsletters are intimidating but I feel like that’s what most people expect in their inbox from Substacks they subscribe to (I don’t read enough books or write enough things to fill a newsletter! Who am I to think I have enough to offer anyone in the form of a newsletter!?).

5. It takes me a long time to edit and sometimes that alone stops me from putting the effort into writing something to post. If I’m going to show up more often, it’s going to be filled with grammatical errors.

6. The internet is scary and you never know when you’ll say something “wrong”.

7. What do I even have to say??

Fears aside, here I am! I’m proud of how much I’ve grown this past year, and honestly very excited to continue to grow in my writing and share it with you here. I’ll show up just as I am, and I’ll do it afraid. I’m thankful that you, reader, have chosen to follow me! I hope I bring value to your inbox and your life by sharing my stories. 

My desire is to come to your inbox more often with stories and thoughts about what God is doing in me and my family’s lives. I’m not sure on format or frequency, but that’s the goal!

I plan to bring you another story in a few days, one that I’ve already started writing about discipling my children. Maybe i’ll also write a post with all my goals on it for 2024 and with a few things I read or wrote linked in it…almost like a newsletter, but we won’t call it that (because like I said, that’s scary). 

Soli Deo gloria,

Sara

P.S. What would you like to read more about from me in 2024!? Let me know in the comments!